Subtitle: Toys today are just too dang safe.

I sent an e-mail around today with a link to an article on the Top 10 Most Dangerous Toys of All Time. Damn thing had me giggling for a good twenty minutes straight, and I just had to pass along the joy. I mean, heck, I owned a bunch of those at one time or another.

And that article didn’t even include some of the true classics of pre-adolescent mayhem.

Anyone here remember the Gyro Powered Evil Knievel Stunt Cycle? With an internal, all metal fly-wheel, and other metal parts, some pretty hefty solid plastic casing, and a rubber, posable, stunt doll, the combined weight of this thing was somewhere around a pound or so. Get that fly wheel going, and a well aimed launch from the top of a flight of stairs could cause your older sister some serious scalp bleeding.

Anyone else here have one of the classic Daisy Sonic Cork Guns? The rifle-type ones that could fire a wine-bottle sized cork about fifty feet, once you got rid of the annoying tether? Even better, once you hollowed out the cork, hot loaded it with something suitably metallic and heavy, it was perfect for taking out the neighbour’s windows.

Good times, I tells ya.

Kids today don’t even have pogo-sticks, fer crying out loud. I mean, is this a world we really want to live in?

The mamby-pamby safety-at-all-cost types have made life way too… Safe. Especially for kids. What the heck is childhood if it isn’t an unending series of injuries, either self inflicted, or friend or sibling inflicted?

Even Model Rockets are getting hard to come by. Ever since 9-11, the U.S. Government has made it nearly impossible to get model rocketry kits and engines. Jeez, I remember the days when any 10 year old with a few weeks allowance could walk into a hobby shop, get an Estes Alpha, and after a day of getting stoned on modeling glue, you’d be ready to fire the thing off the next day. For best performance: Shove a “multi-stage” engine up its wazoo, you know, the engines that fire off a charge to light a second stage engine above it, and replace the parachute with, oh, I dunno, a glad baggie full of home-made napalm (50/50 diesl/gas, mix in detergent until it forms a nice jello), or just the crushed up powder from the business part of a few other rocket engines. Ignite, launch, and at the top of the arc you can get some good home-brew fireworks.

Get the most powerful engine the hobby store has for that trick. The extra weight from the “payload” is gonna need some extra oomph. If it detonates on the launch pad, you’re gonna set the grass on fire. And have to build a new launch pad.

But oh no. Now we’re too worried that some terrorist might turn it into an anti-tank weapon, er something. Screw that. Any terrorist worth his salt can built something way more dangerous out of common household products.

And think about the kids! What’s the point of growing up in a germ-free, danger-eliminated, plastic bubble? Adult life isn’t safe. Unless you learn good reflexes, a healthy respect for the physics of flying objects, practical experience with “impact velocity,” not to mention first hand knowledge of some seriously dangerous chemistry, how are you gonna survive this world?

You’re not. You’re gonna lock yourself into a white collar, hazard free cubicle for twenty years, then go mad and either blow your brains out, or go Postal on your co-workers before you blow your brains out, or get your brains blown out by a fellow cubicle denizen when they go postal.

All because you’re too scared of a pop-gun, Evil Knievel gyro powered motorcycle, or a set of Jarts.

Get over it people. The world is a dangerous place. Embrace it, and live the adventure.

One Response to “Kids today have no direct knowledge of Darwinism…”

    Thanks for the email…. the problem is that governments will NEVER allow people to find out how to adventure in dangerous places, simply because ever “body” which dies is that much less in taxes….

    Cynical? Yup. Almost 60 years worth of same….

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